Like a modern-day Charles Darwin, Nick Mattick has been studying dads since he became one himself. From the go-go gadget dad to the yes man, here are the 10 different subspecies he has identified.
My name is Nick and I’m a dad. I’m the proud owner of a two-and-a-half-year-old terror and a three-month-old nugget. ‘Dadding’ is hard. I’m constantly losing to my kids. Just the other day I had to put the white flag up and surrender by 10am.
My eldest was wearing the dress I told her she couldn’t wear (some frilly thing), eating the breakfast I told her she wasn’t allowed to eat (chocolate), while watching the movie I told her she couldn’t watch (Frozen … again). My nugget son was still in his onesie from the day before, which had milk vomit all over it.
I knew I needed help and what better place to start than watching other dads, to see how they did it.
Once I started noticing dads, I realised that they were everywhere. There was a plethora of dads I could model my behaviour on: at the park, shops, cafes and even in pubs. I started studying them, like a modern-day Charles Darwin, and collating them into subspecies. Here are 10:
1. The Santa Claus
You may only see him once a year, but when you do he showers you with gifts. Often working late or with his new girlfriend, this guy is way too busy to spend time with the kids. You might have an absent dad, but at least you get the latest edition of the FIFA video game for your birthday every year.
2. The talent agent
This dad is always putting his kids forward for things — whether it’s to take the penalty kick or audition for the lead role in the school musical — this dad’s kids can do it all. “My Sebastian could do that … come on, show them Sebastian, I’ll just go and get his double bass out of the car”.
3. The cardboard cut-out
This guy is better seen and not heard. His main attribute is looking hot. He was the hottest guy at school and he needs to cash in before he starts losing his hair. With sayings such as “ask the boss” and “happy wife, happy life”, this guy only needs to do three things to have a successful family life: buy an expensive engagement ring, produce at least one boy and one girl, and look good in the yearly family photo.
4. The vampire
This dad sucks the life out of every situation. Constantly telling anyone who will listen not to have kids “cause it will ruin your life”. He refers to his wife as “the ball and chain” and his children as “the brats”. Full of endless regret, this guy loves a boys’ night-out, especially a buck’s party … no wait … a buck’s weekend.
5. The documenter
Before the internet these dads would bring their slide projector over to your house, but now they just put everything up on Facebook. These guys document everything, I mean everything. We don’t really need to see a photo of your wife’s second degree medical tear.
6. The best mate
He can’t wait for his kids to grow up cause he just wants their friendship to start. He is the cool dad. He’ll host all his kids’ parties and let everyone drink. Hey don’t call him Mr Peters because that makes him feel old. Call him Steve.
7. The yes man
Like Ado Annie in Roger and Hammerstein’s Broadway musical Oklahoma, these dads just can’t say ‘no’. No rules, no discipline … what could possibly go wrong? These blokes are often seen in shopping centres ignoring their screaming children.
8. The life coach
Think Mike Brady or, for younger people, Full House’s Danny Tanner. With this dad it’s always a good time to learn. Remember if you treat the bully with respect he maybe, just maybe, might respect you back.
9. The Amish-style dad
No sweets, no TV, no radio, no computers, no phones, no toys, no hot water, no baby formula. The kids are brought up on books and Carob, and seem to always have some kind of unexplained rash.
10. The go-go gadget dad
This guy is a cross between Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk — aka Zuckermusk. Zuckermusk seems to have every new piece of tech for any situation, and he’s more than happy to show you. He’s the only guy who can mansplain to another man. You resent both his endless enthusiasm and income.
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