Internet gold: The best of funny shit kids say

dad and daughter laughing

When my boys got the hang of talking, like most kids their age they just wouldn’t shut up – and that led to all sorts of shenanigans in our household.

The best of them occurred one night when I’d finished writing for the day, and I thought the boys were both asleep. I put a copy of Anchorman into the DVD player, settled back on the couch and started to relax.

Some time later, I got that weird feeling I wasn’t alone in the room anymore – and sure enough, there was my eldest son, lurking at the doorway and watching the expletive-ridden movie on the sly.

I packed him off to bed, after telling him to forget any of the rude words he’d heard.

Next morning, when I was trying to get the boys in the car to drop them off at daycare, my eldest was refusing to get in the car, because he had been scrapping with his brother over the breakfast table.

“I’m not getting in the car with him!” he yelled. “He smells like Bigfoot’s dick!”

It took a 100% effort from me not to piss myself laughing … but both my boys were just about wetting themselves.

And I’m not alone. Here’s a bunch of other funny stories from the parents over at – we hope you enjoy them.

Top shelf logic

This morning, my wife told my three-year-old daughter that owls were nocturnal.

My daughter responded: “Yes, owls are not turtles.”


The waiting game

My son when he was six: “Dad, can we get a cat?”

Me: “Your mum is allergic to cats, so no.”

My son: “When mum dies, can we get a cat?”

Me: “Sure.”


Damn right!

So a friend has a four-year-old and, when he was two or three, we were both trying to teach him about gender.

We asked him “are you a boy or a girl?” and he got very quiet, thought for a full minute. Then in a very confident voice he said: “I am a MAN!”


The F-bomb

My daughter has dropped the f-bomb before.

One time her dad was coming out of the bathroom after a shower and he said “what the …”, so she says “f*ck, daddy. You forgot the f*ck”.


It’s not what you think … honest!

While waiting in line to get her picture taken with Santa I was giving my two-year-old daughter pieces of popcorn one at a time as a snack.

I must have been a little slow with my delivery and she shouted “MORE COCKPORN DADDY” at the top of her lungs.


Too much TV

My three-year-old son has been watching a lot of Looney Tunes and he likes Daffy Duck. Now instead of saying goodbye like a normal kid, he says: “So long suckers.”

We are so proud.


Oh no …

My kids (aged four and three) and I were sitting around putting Thomas the Tank Engine pieces together.

Our track was almost complete but we ended up with two female pieces where the track should join.

My daughter the oldest says: “We need a double dick piece, dad.”

I had to just walk away.



Overheard in a first-grade classroom:

“Well when my mum and dad practise wrestling I get to eat a whole bowl of ice-cream and watch whatever movie I want!”



When my kiddo was about four years old, I heard my son talking to himself in the bathroom and went to check on him. He was using a small piece of cardboard to push a spider in the direction of the bathtub – talking to the spider the entire time.

“Excuse me, sir. Pardon me, sir, can I invite you to perhaps travel this way? Oh, no, not that way, sir. Over here, sir. Pardon me, sir, I don’t feel you’re listening …”


Dinosaur junior

Three-year-old niece, while I was driving her home one day: “I knew the dinosaurs would come and get me one day …” (with a sigh of acceptance).

There were two large cranes working on a bridge.


Someone’s been listening

During a particularly heated argument during a car ride, my then four-year-old brother interrupted us all to say, “All you people do is bitch, bitch, bitch, complain, complain, complain.”


Wait … what?

Driving down a steep hill I said to my then four year old “sometimes I like to pretend I’m on a roller coaster when we go downhill”.

She replied, “Sometimes I pretend I’m riding a ferris wheel made of bones.”


Kind soul

In the car on the way to the birth of his future baby sister, he hears his mum on her phone telling her parents that her waters broke.

After she hangs up he says “Mummy, your water broke?”

“Yeah, honey.”

He reaches for the water bottle in his carseat cupholder and says, “Here mummy, you can have mine.”


They grow up so fast

My oldest once told my mother, “Nana, when I grow up, I’m going to play with sharp knives, drink wine, and say ‘shit’ sometimes, if that’s okay?”


Between you and me

A close friend of mine has a young daughter named Maya. When Maya was about four years old she had a tendency to make loud comments about people around her to her mother.

My friend then told her that it was better that, if she had any comments or questions about other people, to take it up (with her) when the two were alone.

A few days later they were sitting on a bus and in walks a very obese woman. Maya eyed the woman suspiciously and then pointed at her:

“Mum. We’re going to talk about her later.”


Too much grown-up TV

When my daughter was younger, three years old, we would watch a lot of Futurama together because if she was going nuts she would actually quit it and watch the show.

Her favourite character was Bender, because one day I came home to my wife yelling, “DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR DAUGHTER SAID TODAY?!”

Apparently “bite my shiny metal ass” while shaking your butt was not an appropriate response to being sent to her room for a time-out.


Hard worker

I gave my son a time-out from swords, lightsabers, guns and (Thor) hammers due to him being too violent/aggressive. After about 10 minutes of quiet, I went to check on him and found him building with his Lego.

After I told him that I was proud of him for listening, I asked him what he was building. He told me he was building an ultimate Lego weapon so that he could destroy me.

I think he may have missed the point, but at least he’s persistent.


*Note: We’ve edited some of the quotes for clarity, to correct dodgy spelling, and to change ‘mom’ to ‘mum’. For original versions and more comedic gold, follow this link to the reddit post.

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