Scratching off that pre-baby bucket list? Forget climbing for a selfie at Machu Picchu or running with the bulls in Spain, what you really need to focus on are the little things you don't even realise are things, until you have kids.
Some people nail parenting. Their homes are organised and clean and smell of cake. Don’t be fooled, these people are not normal. ‘Normal’ is stepping on your clean washing to get to your side of the bed at night. ‘Normal’ is serving up vegemite toast for dinner. ‘Normal’ is bags under your eyes and the substitution of cuss words for most adjectives.
Here’s a list of things you should make the most of before the smell of regurgitated milk sets in.
Sleep lots
You’ll get pretty good at napping – most nights, it’s all you’ll have as a dad. Sleeping is a different fish altogether.
The only way you’re going to manage eight solid hours is if you convince your doctor you need your gallbladder or kidney removed and somehow wrangle your own hospital room with nurses who forget to check your blood pressure every hour. So not impossible, but I guess neither is a Jewish Pope.
Spend quality alone time on the toilet
Try this: take your phone to the loo with you and play a game – Angry Birds or Candy Crush or whatever. What happened? Nothing, right? You got to play the app, yes?
You know how you can shut the bathroom door and it stays closed? That’s not going to happen anymore. Right here, right now, these are the best bathroom days of your life.
Leave the house whenever you feel like it, simply because you can
Spontaneously go to the supermarket for something you don’t really need. The logistics of taking a baby out of the house means you will crunch your way through a bowl of dry cornflakes rather than spend the morning prepping a day trip for a litre of milk.
On that note, always keep a store of long-life milk at the back of the pantry for emergencies (by which I mean coffee). Unless you pull off that gallbladder removal stunt on a weekly basis, you’re going to need lots of coffee.
Embrace bright colours
Get wear out of all your whites and brights now. You have years of dark, stain-hiding colours ahead of you.
Enjoy your clean car
While you have the chance, drive something with no backseat. A pointless little convertible or a bobcat. Doesn’t matter what it is, just do it. You’ll be spending the next 15 years looking over your shoulder or in the rear vision mirror to sort out mini-disasters back there.
Watch what you want, when you want on TV
Right now, you can probably Netflix and chill whenever you want. You can binge watch your favourite shows and engage your partner in heated debates over Steven Avery’s innocence or whether John Snow has a secret twin?
Once a baby arrives, you may be able to squeeze in the odd episode while feeding your bub, but don’t expect to make it through to the end without falling asleep, let alone have room for lengthy conversations on the matter.
Cook gourmet meals
Unfortunately, you won’t have the time to unleash your inner Master Chef in the kitchen once baby arrives and freezable meals become your new best friend.
Tonight, I’m eating plain generic supermarket sausages and white rice. There’s half a carrot and a celery stick chopped up in it for colour and crunch, but that’s the whole meal.
Take your sweet time
Buy some chocolate and leave it in the fridge. Then come back the next day and enjoy the fact it’s still there and not smeared all over your child’s sheets or working with them to create new and exciting dental bills.
Ride a rollercoaster
Go on big-people rides because kids aren’t allowed to go on some rides until they reach a certain height, and your back will inevitably start playing up just as they have that growth spurt which gets them in. Plus, the theme park staff frown at you if you try to leave an occupied stroller at the lost and found. Even for only ten minutes. Even if the kid is asleep. Jerks.
Travel overseas
Not because you’ll never be able to go to exotic locations again, but because this will be your last chance to relax on a plane. And while you’re at it, make ample use of the free booze.
Have a shag whenever you want, wherever you want
You and your partner will still have lots of canoodling when you have kids, but you’ll have it much quicker because the longer you take, the more chance there is of being interrupted. In the rush, you’ll also probably forget to use contraception, which is why so many people have more than one child, and we have seven.
Don’t be disheartened by what you’ve just read – parenting is fantastic. Life just becomes a lot more complex and a lot simpler, all at once. So when you’re using your fingers to remove snot hanging down from your kid’s nose, or you’re scraping something crusty and brown out of the carpet, just remember – this is the new normal. And while it might seem incomprehensible now, you’re seriously gonna love it.