From walking around with vomit stains on you to the chances of having sex again, dad Ben Smithurst takes you through the realities of new parenting.
There are a lot of actual, ‘scientific’ figures peddled by researchers for when you’re facing the reality of a small, shouty person moving into your house. Fun stuff like how childcare will eviscerate 35 per cent of your household income, or how 23 NSW kids have died in the past decade from diseases that vaccinations could have prevented. But that’s only part of the story. Here’s the rest of it:
* Made up
1. Chances of leaving the house with an unnoticed vomit stain:
Pre-child: 0 per cent
Post-child: 35 per cent
2. Strong opinions held about slight changes in the rotating morning line-up of ABC Kids TV cartoons:
Pre-child: None
Post-child: More than 15
3. Team Emma or Team Lachy?
Pre-child: Team what now?
Post-child: Most days you’re like 51 per cent Lachy but there are no winners here.
4. Foodstuffs you’ll consider consuming after floor contact:
Pre-child: Anything (see five second rule below), hard-shelled candy (Smarties, M&M’s, Skittles), occasional chips.
Post-child: If it doesn’t have a visible heel print, it’s good.
5. Average amount of time food can spend on floor before you consider it inedible:
Pre-child: Five seconds
Post-child: It’s hard to say, but that piece of toast from the under the sofa was so tough, think the kid might’ve dropped it there on like Tuesday.
6. Hierarchy of deciding factors when choosing a meal:
Pre-child: Price, taste, convenience, nutritional factors (in order: fat content, sugar content, salt), how bad last Uber Eats deliver guy smelled
Post-child: Defrostability
7. Things that will legit make you tear up:
Pre-child: Delivering eulogy for grandmother, grand final loss, grand final win
Post-child: Insurance commercials, the nightly news, Pixar films, GIF of sad turtles, Father’s Day mug with ‘No.1 Dad’ decal, tiny fingers gripping a grandparent’s thumb, crying grandparents, first steps, that goddamn ‘Cat’s In The Cradle’ song, f*cking Mufasa dying saving Simba from the f*cking stampede, SO MANY THINGS and also FUCK YOU SCAR, Jeezus there’s something in my eye.
8. Chances of arriving home with noticeable vomit stain (own, from pub):
Pre-child: 23 per cent
Post-child: 0 per cent
9. Browser history:
Pre-child: Social media (34 per cent), news sites (20 per cent), YouTube videos (13 per cent), PS4 tutorials (8 per cent)
Post-child: “Do I need to take my child to hospital for [X]?” (35 per cent), local area buy/swap/sell (22 per cent), shameful niche corners of RedTube (18 per cent), debugging software to cancel out RedTube viruses (2 per cent)
10. Reason you last shouted:
Pre-child: Got your round in at the pub, like normal
Post-child: Trod on piece of Lego at 2am, tripped over coffee table, wedging head under sofa
11. Satisfaction with frequency and variety of sex life:
Pre-child: 97 per cent
Post-child: *sobbing*
12. Time spent looking after car (per week):
Pre-child: Washing (23 minutes), polishing (12 minutes), Chuxing aerial (2 minutes), affixing various NRNRH stickers (0.3 minutes).
Post-child: Banana has been smeared into the window winder switch for like two months.
13. Next dad achievements:
‘Dad strength’: 18 per cent
Dad bod: 82 per cent
14. Decibel level of internalised screaming inside your head when Lah-Lah’s Big Live Band infests your lounge room at 6am again:
130Db
15. Amount of fights you lose per week to a person less than one eighth your size (average):
Pre-child: 0.3
Post-child: 9.2
16. Likelihood that pre-, post- or mid-coital chat with your significant other will include unsexy talk of nappy rash, tomorrow’s pre-school drop-off or someone else’s turds:
If childless: 0 per cent
If a fetishist: 20 per cent
As a parent: 50 per cent
17. Sizes The Grinch’s heart grew on Christmas Day in that Dr Seuss Book:
300 percent
18. Sizes your heart will grow the first time your kid calls you dad:
500 percent
19. Chances you’d drop dead immediately of sudden dilated cardiomyopathy if that literally happened:
100 percent. But it’s kinda worth it.
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