Sometimes it can feel as though your baby is out to get you. And that's because they are.
Despite my partner’s concerns on how she would take to motherhood, a few weeks in and she was thriving in the role. It was a delight to witness – as if she found a new colour to wear that brought out her eyes.
Every time she held our child I pictured her clad in white, an ethereal glow emanating from her body and harp music playing. The love I felt for her grew in an entirely new dimension and our connection was tightening every day.
Her angelic façade drops rather rapidly, however, every time our child craps herself straight onto the change table. My angel shrieks and runs away from our daughter whilst sobbing the word “Tag!”…
You see, changing a dirty nappy is one thing, but it seems our daughter’s preference is to poop after her dirty nappy has been taken off and before the fresh nappy is put on.
She bides her time, waiting until she feels the cool air on her bare bottom then fires her excrement bullets without mercy. It is disconcerting watching my adorable wide eyed baby girl stare straight into my eyes as poop that is yellow, green, brown and black rather violently exits her body.
As I stare at the endless pile of carnage a new horror soon emerges – the stench. It fills every crevice of my skull, almost solidifying in the back of my mouth. I grit my teeth, hold my breath and get to work.
Once I’m done, I’ll track down my fallen angel, stroke her hair, and tell her everything is gonna be alright.
The Lesson
If you are the father of a newborn and you are not in direct contact with excrement at least every other day, you’re an arsehole.
Poop happens regardless of whether you are comfortable with it. It’s not a gift to your partner to say “That’s okay, sit down sweetheart, I’ve got this one”. It’s just parenting. And if this is indeed some rare gesture on your behalf, you need to pull the finger out.
It is one of the worst things you can do to confine your significant other to the role of ‘primary poop handler’ – especially if she is at all squeamish about it like mine is.
If you’ve agreed to be the one with the clothes peg on your nose, here are some rules of engagement.
‘Call of Doody’
Be very aware of where the baby is facing. Babies can projectile poop. I am not kidding. Projectile. Poop. I’ve seen projectile poop up to two metres. I am still not kidding. If you store your nappies in a drawer next to the change table and you need to bend down in front of your child’s bottom to retrieve the nappies, make sure you’re wearing some kind of hazmat suit.
Don’t move too soon. If you open up your child’s diaper and it’s full of crap, don’t take it off yet. She’s probably not done.
Source: Giphy
Look at her face and see what kind of expression she has. Is she clenching her fists? Often a baby will do a big poop, fill the diaper, and wait until that poop is removed before continuing her merry crapping. Wipe a bit of poop off her bottom, and hold the front of the diaper up like a shield. If you can pin both of her feet together and lift her up off the change table a little that’s perfection.
If you suspect your baby has had a mega crap, run the bath before you change her. This might be for her, or you, depending on how shit goes down. Or up.
Beware the poop-juice. If you’ve waited until your baby has done all her pooping, has unclenched her fists and seems happy, don’t celebrate yet. Often our baby will do a big wee after her poop, creating a poop juice that soaks her entire body. “Dammit!” comes the shout from my partner, followed by her lifting the lower part of our babies body to try and get her body out of the dirty wee, which of course causes the change table to press down at our babies back, ensuring she becomes completely soaked. No removing the diaper until she is completely done!
Have emergency supplies at the ready. Stock your change table and nappy bag with way too many nappies and nappy bags. Just do it. You will understand why soon enough.
Babies are weirdos. You know how dogs sometimes stare at their owners while they are pooping and that’s weird enough? Well, occasionally babies will stare deeply into your eyes for reassurance as they shove foul smelling excrement into flimsy bits of fabric covering up their bits.
It’s weird, confronting, and a little bit sweet.