Necessity is famously the mother of invention, but failure has many fathers — and many think they’re Thomas Edison.
So it turns out that the sleepless delirium of new parenthood is a poor time to decide whether the gadget you’ve come up with is any good.
For every pram (invented in 1733 by English architect William Kent) or suckling action breast pump (created in 1921 by German-American chess master Edward Lasker), there are hundreds of shitty designs destined for the dustbin of history.
More remarkable, however, are the designs that actually entered production despite appearing patently ludicrous at blueprint stage.
Remember these next time you’re wondering whether to take your chances on Shark Tank or about to just rush down to the patent office.
1. The Daddle
All young girls love ponies, but ponies are expensive. Unless you’re so well-heeled that your butler is reading this to you, chances are the only way you’ll afford to give her a horsey of her own is to take a second job and forsake sleep for 30 years.
But wait! With the ‘Daddle’ — a literal saddle for dads — all is not lost. Just your self-respect and lumbar health.
“A soft-stuffed model of the real thing,” Daddle’s manufacturer claims it’s “ideal for ages 2-6”. It comes complete with adjustable stirrups, a saddle horn and a latigo strap. Buy here.
2. The Crumb Cap
Babies: you can’t stop them from rubbing food into their hair at mealtimes, and you can’t shave their heads like tiny neo Nazis without pissing off their mum. All parents will soon come around to the Crumb Cap — a ‘hair bib’ created by American ‘mom of three’ Sue Yellowtail.
“I searched the internet looking for hair bibs for babies and toddlers, and was astonished when I couldn’t find anything, so I developed my own,” writes Sue, whose inspiring story is available at crumbcap.com.
3. The Beebo
US father Maxamillian Neubauer found minor internet fame in July with a device he’s dubbed the ‘moob’ — a contraption that allowed his newborn to suckle from a false nipple attached to Dad’s chest. (Neubauer’s wife was unable to breastfeed immediately due to her emergency C-section.)
But you, too, can know the dubious joy of breastfeeding with the Beebo. Designed to “free up a hand during these precious moments”, the American device holds a bottle to Dad’s chest during feeds as he cradles his sprog in the other arm. Check out thebeebo.com, or go with the competition at nursemetender.com for a more jury-rigged bondage look.
4. Walkers
“Here is an excellent short cut between crawling and actual walking!” thought every set of parents in the ’70s and ’80s, and all the way back until at least 15th century Europe. “Look at him go!”
“This excellent short cut actually delay’s your child’s first-steps date, delays their motor skill development and vastly increases the likelihood that they’ll topple down a flight of stairs,” say its critics.
They’ve been banned in Canada since 1994, where possession carries potential fines of $100,000 or six months in stir.
5. Baby Bangs
These hairband wigs for infants are perfect for those new parents struggling with the genetic compulsion to love their child and their own deep-seated hatred of bald people.
“Exquisite and simply gorgeous, our HAIR+bands will make the perfect choice for casual or dressy occasions!” claimed the manufacturers at baby-bangs.com, a (now inactive) website possibly conceived by Greg Matthews and Warnie on a bender at an Advanced Hair Studio convention.
6. The baby mop suit
Chindōgu is a uniquely Japanese term for the art of inventing things that aren’t quite useful. The concept of a tasseled onesie that would turn your crawler into a fleshy Roomba began as a spoof Japanese TV ad, but is now a real thing.
“All the feedback from customers has been very positive,” said Baby Mop website owner Mike Parker, “however we get some negative emails surrounding the idea of the actual product.” Buy yours here.
7. The baby-patting machine
Submitted to the US Patent office in 1968, this “device for patting a baby to sleep by means of periodic pats upon the rump or hind part of the baby” consisted of a padded glove on a stick, attached to a motor. It is exactly the sort of machine you’d expect to see in an early Mickey Mouse silent film.
8. The Potty Scotty Travel Urinal
With its cute, duck-faced design, the Potty Scotty Travel Urinal saves you the trauma of convincing your child to wee in a toilet, instead allowing you to hold a 470ml plastic flash in your hand as they ‘water the horses’. Perfect for inculcating the urge to urinate on ducks and any area teens they spot taking endless duck-face selfies.
9. … and the one we did need (but didn’t get)
In 1987, once-hot A Fish Called Wanda, True Lies and Halloween star Jamie Lee Curtis invented a nappy with a built-in moisture-proof pocket for wipes. The Diaper-Wiper Duo was exactly the sort of obvious-in-retrospect invention that idea that should have taken off. Except Curtis, an environmentalist, refused to allow her product to be marketed until companies sold biodegradable disposable nappies. Which … nobody did. Her current patent expires in 2036.
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