Through the pain and the trauma of giving birth, the delivery room will can throw up some absolute comedic gems – and the good folks on reddit have shared some bloody pearlers.*
We’ve posted links to the full threads at the end, but here are some of our favourites:
Wife: “(pant pant pant) I can smell poop, did I poop?”
Me: “No honey, everything looks fine, just relax”
Wife: “UUuAAaagggGHhHh (pant pant pant) You’re a terrible f*cking liar! Why can’t you lie better?!”
When my brother was born, they had to use forceps to get him out. My mum saw them and screamed:
“THOSE ARE SALAD TONGS! YOU ARE NOT PUTTING ANY GODDAMN KITCHENWARE IN THERE!”
When my first child was born his head was kind of misshapen, and when the doctor lifted him up to show my wife she yelled:
“Why the f*ck does he look like a raptor?”
I lost it.
While you’re at it…
My friend said, as the doctor sutured her episiotomy:
“Sew it up all the way, doctor. We won’t be using it anymore.”
Gee, thanks mum
I was born a month early, with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck twice. As a result, I was blue from oxygen deprivation. My mum, just having finished labour and not exactly in full mind, couldn’t quite put her finger on what was wrong. So, the first words she ever said about me, directly after I was born:
“She’s not very pretty.”
I got stuck inside my mum when she was giving birth to me. They had to use some tool to get me out. She screamed while they were doing it:
“AFTER THIS I’M GOING TO BE REALLY GLAD MY HUSBAND’S PENIS IS SMALL.”
When I was born, my dad didn’t know that babies are usually born face down, and as I was coming out he screams:
“OH MY GOD SHE DOESN’T HAVE A FACE!”
On second thought…
Patient – fully dilated, started pushing, then changed her mind:
“I don’t wanna do this, I’m going the f*ck home.”
And then tried to get off the table.
I’m white, Irish ancestry so I had red hair when I was a child, and my wife is black. Her sister was also in the delivery room. When the baby crowned her sister told her she could see the baby’s hair. My wife who can barely breathe blurted out:
“The hair isn’t red is it?!”
Apparently she was terrified the baby would be black with red hair.
We hired a doula for our first kid 4 years ago. She told us a story that I still laugh about.
She was with a couple that had been told they were having a daughter as their first kid. So like first-time parents they outdid themselves with everything pink, sparkly and frilly, the whole 9 yards.
Mum goes into labor and they call the doula to come in to be there for the birth. Mum’s pushing, dad is cheerleading nervously. The baby pops out and the doula notices that the sonogram tech that said they were having a girl messed up.
The dad is too busy to notice anything is amiss. So the doula tells the dad to do a finger and toe count to clue him in. So the dad looks at the baby, sees 10 fingers and 10 toes and one penis.
Now he’d been told that he’s having a daughter for the past 6 months and sees a penis, and the first thing he screams is:
“OH MY GOD! MY DAUGHTER HAS A PENIS!”
Time to redecorate
From the birthing suite next door we could hear the usual calls for, ‘push, push, ONE MORE TIME!’
A long, low moan, a baby’s wails, people rushing about. Murmuring.
Then this woman screams stridently:
“What do you mean she’s a boy? … The f*cking room is pink and yellow, you motherf*ckers!”
Mate, get your priorities straight!
My mother’s labour was extremely short, I was born within an hour. So that means that she went from experiencing minimal pain, to extreme pain with little time to adjust.
When my dad was driving her to the hospital, he unfortunately had to stop for gas. He went into pay, and just then an elderly man in a wheelchair stopped him, asking him to buy cigarettes for him as the store was not wheelchair accessible.
My mum then proceeded to lean out the window, yelling “DONT HELP THE CRIPPLE.”
We have never let her forget that one.
Not what I ordered
My mother was unexpectedly having her fourth child and chose not to find out the sex. For some reason, she became convinced it was a boy and would have bet the house on it. In the delivery room, they hand the baby to my dad and he joyfully tells my mum that they have a new baby girl.
Mum: What? No. Check again.
Dad: I’m pretty sure it’s a girl, honey.
Mum: You’re not looking hard enough!
I’m a nurse and on clinicals we did an OB clinical rotation, which was by far my favorite. My favorite patient was giving birth vaginally and her husband, very sweet guy, leaned down to kiss her forehead and she full-on punched the shit out of him and said:
“F*ck you, f*cknuts! That’s what got me here! Never again motherf*cker!”
Fear the bat
My dad was holding my mum’s hand and suffering for her grip, spouting off random comfort. She looked him dead in the eye, face red and eyes bulging, and said:
“Don’t. F*cking. Tell me. WHAT. TO DO.”
Apparently she sounded a bit like Christian Bale’s Batman.
One liners that said it all
“I’m going to burn everyone alive!” – unknown user
“THIS F*CKER BETTER BE WORTH IT” – unknown user
“THE NEXT ONE IS COMING OUT OF YOUR DICK!” – CombatGynecologist
*Note: We’ve edited some of the above quotes for clarity, to correct horrendous spelling, and to change ‘mom’ to ‘mum’. For original versions and more comedic gold, follow the links to the threads below:
Doctors, nurses who deliver babies, what are some strange/funny things people have screamed while giving birth? from AskReddit