As you navigate the verbal minefield pregnancy hormones bring, take care not to step on any of the following explosive devices.
1. “Does sex hurt the baby?”
Put this thought into your partner’s head and you can guarantee your baby won’t even have to worry about it.
2. “Your boobs are huge! Can we keep them?”
Chances are she’ll be thinking the same thing. But in a year’s time when she stops breastfeeding and they lose their wonderful bounciness, she’ll remember what you said and start to wonder if you still find her sexy.
Just take a mental picture and keep it in your happy place.
3. “Are you sure there’s only one in there?”
Why don’t you just come out and call her fat? (WARNING: Do not use the word ‘F-word’ ever again.) You think there’s room in there for more than one, eh? I mean, wouldn’t it be great to have twins? Answer: no. Don’t be greedy. Or stupid.
The only people who want twins are people who haven’t had a baby yet. Just be thankful your partner is pregnant with this one and chose to include you in the early stages.
4. “You don’t look pregnant at all!”
Although you think this is a compliment, here’s how it gets decoded in her brain: “This whole experience must be relatively easy for you compared to other women who look way more pregnant than you”. And that’s just the first trimester.
Drop this doozy later in the pregnancy and it translates as: “Our baby seems undersized. Are you sure you’re giving it all the nutrients it needs? Maybe you’ve been consuming too much caffeine?”
4. “No, thanks, I felt it kick yesterday.”
Roll over in bed and put your hand on her belly this instant! Yes, it will feel the same as yesterday and the day before and the day before that, but you will not allow those thoughts to cross your mind, let alone come out of your mouth.
These kicks and rolls are your wife’s reward for her body bloating like a dead goat on a pond and, similarly, if you aren’t sympathetic, mindful and gentle with her feelings, things could get messy because she’s likely to explode.
6. “Are we ever going to have sex again?”
Not with that attitude, mate. I know it feels like you got her pregnant (you stud) and now she’s done with you, but here’s the thing – your wife’s body is focusing on making eyebrows and fingernails now, and little else. This will change though.
Come the third trimester she’ll probably see you as little more than a disco stick and she’ll be constantly chasing you around the house asking this very same question. You’re probably thinking, ‘Why would I be running away from sex?’ Just wait.
It might sound like you’ve got a difficult few months ahead of you, trying to navigate this verbal minefield. Suck it up, big fella, you did this to her! In nine months, you won’t pee when you cough or have nipples the size of dinner plates. So cut her some slack and try to make these next few months as comfortable for her as physically possible, especially if you ever want to do this to her again.